Confession is Good For the Soul

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Well its been a crazy dark year for me.  At first things got really good.  Then I slowly got away from my business, and things that kept me who I am, and in the process I lost myself, and I mean that literally.  I allowed others to control me, and felt pressured to please them instead of myself and my values.  When I realized I was going to this dark place in September I went to my doctor for help, and was prescribed a medication to help me, but instead it made me worse, and I did the unthinkable.  I made a suicide attempt, and was pretty close to successful.  I was on life support for 3 days.  While on life support I was essentially dead, and I visited the other side.  Now I have a theory about this whole thing.  I think in some cases of suicide you get kind of stuck on a loop, earth bound, or some other negative consequence for leaving before your time, but I think in cases where its beyond the persons control such as a severe mental illness, or a medication causing it, or something of that nature that isnt the case, because I went to an amazing place.  I felt such love, forgiveness and peace.  It was indescribable LOVE.  In fact I didnt even know I was ever anywhere else, but that place. Then all of a sudden I heard the voice of my late ex husband telling me to look, and all of a sudden I see myself lying in a hospital bed, and my husband telling me to fight it, and that if anyone can survive this it was me.  There was more said, but its too personal to reveal here.  Let me tell you there is no Hell that could torture you as bad as seeing the pain that suicide puts on your loved ones faces.  I asked my ex husband why he was saying these things.  I said, “Hes talking to me like I am dying, am I dead?”, He shook his head yes, and I thought the dumbest thing at that moment.  I thought “Oh crap if I dead I better ask for forgiveness for killing myself”.  That was the last thing I remember before waking up a day later in the hospital no knowing how I got there.  The look of joy and pain on my husband, and my childrens faces haunted me every time I closed my eyes after I woke up, and still does to a degree.  I have since went through a battle with getting my life back in order.  Things got a lot worse before they got better thats for sure.  For some reason though even though it was hard, and there has been many days I wish I hadnt woke up, I still found the strength to fight every day to just breathe, and exist. I am so glad I did though.  I am finally seeing things in a more positive light, and I not only see the light at the end of the tunnel I can feel the warmth of it on my skin filling me with joy and positive energy, and the more I fight the stronger that light at the end of tunnel gets and the more I can see it.  You know people tell you that when you are in that dark place that its gonna get better, and you want to smack them because you see no possible way that it could, and though my fight is no where near over, I can promise you that no matter how it seems…it does get better just fight.  Since getting better I have begun dedicating part of my life to raising awareness for suicide and mental health awareness.  I am supporting Always Keep Fighting started by Jared Padalecki, To Write Love on Her Arms, and SAVE.  A portion of all sales will go to these foundations, and if anyone out there is going through this I hope this blog helps.  If you need help please contact me and I will find the number for the suicide hotline nearest you, and try to help you find the help you need from a professional near you.

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